An Athlete’s Pregnancy, Part 4: The Second Trimester

Oh yes, oh yes! The famous second trimester!! When you have loads of energy and you feel amazing and all you want to do is glow and have sex! 

In my opinion and experience, a little overhyped. 

I suspect that part of why the second trimester feels so magical for so many women is because it is not the first trimester. But since my first trimester was not that bad, my second trimester just didn’t feel significantly different, especially in terms of energy level. During my first trimester I felt vaguely more tired and at times a lil nauseous. In my second trimester, I felt largely the same. I could continue to work out and live my life pretty much as normal. I didn’t feel more glowy, or beautiful, or really any different than I had before. 

Source: Skyler Espinoza

But although I wasn’t experiencing ground shattering changes emotionally, my body was definitely starting to change. And of course, as an athlete, it’s hard to have one without the other. As I started to see physical changes taking shape, the gravity of what was happening to me slowly began to sink in. It struck me, in a way it hadn’t before I was actually pregnant, that some of the changes coming could be permanent. My breasts might never be the same. My stomach might never be the same. My vagina will never be the same. Will my hips ever recover? Will my pelvic floor? Yet another disorienting (and for me, unexpected) part of pregnancy and childbirth is that it is impossible to predict the degree of these changes (a lot, a little) and their permanency (forever, temporary, somewhere in between?).

People who give birth are asked to sacrifice an unknowable amount of themselves, physically but also emotionally, mentally and temporally. There are, of course, sacrifices made by everyone who is involved in the having of, and caring for, a child. But the birthing person is the one who gives up their bodily autonomy; the version of their body as they know it. They are also the person who society expects to say, “any amount of sacrifice is worth it!” in regards to carrying and birthing a child. When you think about it, this is kind of bonkers given the amount of certainty you have in hand when you begin the process of a pregnancy. When else do we ask people to blindly agree to an undetermined amount of sacrifice, subject to shift at any time? Especially when the reward promises even more sacrifice and uncertainty down the road?

During my second trimester, it was still difficult for me to think of my growing baby as a baby, and not as a little bunch of cells making me tired. Which, of course, made me feel guilty. I had friends who said, “I mean, I’d do anything for my baby,” and, “how can I already love him this much??” at 15 weeks. I just didn’t feel that way. I didn’t feel as though my connection to my baby at this point in the pregnancy was strong enough to justify any sacrifice. I did not know, for sure, what I would and wouldn’t do if called upon for a fetus the size of a cherry tomato. Would I live in the hospital for months? Would I go on bed rest for weeks? Would I inject myself with insulin multiple times per day while on bedrest at the hospital? Maybe I would. But I didn’t feel sure that I would, no questions asked. 

Thinking about your body as your own during pregnancy is seen as a very selfish act, it seems. Your body has turned from a power house powering your dreams to a vessel for someone else’s benefit in the blink of an eye. Thinking about your physical, mental or emotional needs as equal to, or even more important than, the baby’s, is seen as selfish and incorrect. 

Source: Skyler Espinoza

We should be allowed to acknowledge that pregnancy is not only a joy and a blessing. (I feel guilty even writing that! Eep!) Of course, a wanted pregnancy is a joy and a blessing. But, especially in the world of sports and the lives of athletes, a pregnancy is a huge sacrifice that at least half of the sporting world will never have to make. It can often mean a loss of income, opportunities, partnerships, competitions, seasons, selections and yes, drastic changes to the bodies that many of us have worked so, so hard to bend to our craft. Drastic changes to the way people interact with us, with the way we are treated. Drastic changes to what types of behaviors are acceptable and not, (“Cover up! You’re a mom now!”) and what our careers look like moving forward. Even as an athlete who had planned to step away from sports during my pregnancy, I grieved many of the changes that have taken place in a body and identity that for so long has been malleable and, most importantly, mine. 

I am so, so happy to be pregnant. I am so, so lucky to be pregnant. I am beyond lucky to have had a healthy pregnancy when that’s not everyone’s reality by a long shot. There is an abundance of abundance in pregnancy, but, even in a healthy one, there is loss, too. You don’t only have to feel grateful, and in love with your baby and your body during pregnancy. Especially if you’re an athlete, of any level, the changes can feel disorienting and disheartening in unexpected ways. One time I was brought to literal tears in the gym watching someone do Russian twists: sometimes it just gets ya. I think the takeaway, like always, is that it’s okay to feel however you feel: this journey is hard and complicated. And when it all gets to be too much, this girl recommends a snack. Works pretty much all of the time.

This blog is part of An Athlete’s Pregnancy, a personal multi-part series chronicling one athlete’s experience navigating pregnancy after an elite sports career. Access part 3 here.